Log in

No account? Create an account
If it hurts, it means you care. [entries|friends|calendar]
Pain makes it real.

INFO - MYSPACE - FRIENDS Image hosted by Photobucket.com
[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

[16 Oct 2005|04:50pm]

sicker_secrets new lj.

add if you want,.

problly thought i was dead <3


[20 Jun 2005|10:52pm]
So I'm still sick, and onto of that I'm going through withdrawal from methadone, I was on it for the pain in my back. All along I was uncomfortable being on it because of it's addiction rate, and the whole heroin ordeal.
But it really took the pain away, but while I was sick I stopped taking it thinking it was making me sick and my DR found out and I had other narcotics like viccodion and percocets and diludid while in the hospital so my dr put a void on my script for the methadone.
So now everyday I wake up feeling antsy, agitated, hurting my hips, knees and jaw hurt so bad, I lost about 30 pounds, It's a horrible feeling.
Oh well though, it shouldn't last forever, so I've just been watching my movies like, blow, butterfly effect, closer, garden state, dumb and dumber, and 28 days later.
Two weeks ago there was a zombie marathon on and made me fall in love with zombie movies all over again. I need to get my license back soon.
Laguna beach comes on the day before my birthday, my bday is July 26th.
I can't see me being 20, I don't look it, act it, anything. The guy in the mall was staring at me today because I have track marks all over both my arms because they had to stick both my arms over 30 times because I was dehydrated and my veins were collapsing, thank God im not on probation anymore.
Me and marcus aren't together, I want a new relationship though.
I want someone to be close with and just to take up my time.
1 milk chan! SUPER!

[16 Jun 2005|05:02pm]
holy shit, this past 5 day have been horrible, i went into the hospital for abdominal pain, i lost 30 pounds in 10 days, i couldn't eat nor drink, so while i was in the hospital i had to get this surgery type thing where they put a video camera doooooown your throat, and well somewhere else as well, i felt like a 60 year old women with polyps or something, i have to give myself a fleets ahaha, so horrible thank God I hadn't eaten in weeks.
They think I may have I have endomitriosis, because I had cancer in my cervix two years ago, I had to go to the obgyn tomorrow, and im getting a surgery done where they go in your belly button and take skin off your uterus wall, I have so much luck!!!
I just saw, saw and holy shit, so amazing, but I would so be one of those people he would capture most likely, man that ending was crazy shit, but as soon as they showed zepp I knew he had something to do with it. The Adam guy was hot, I wonder if he ends up not dying and will be in the next one, most likely not and it will be the doctor.
I can understand how the drug addict felt he saved her life though, she probably thought heroin was the only thing she had in life than when she was faced with what death is, she saw that life was a lot more.
It wasn't as gruesome as I thought it would have been more bloody.
I need to watch it again though, I didn't catch onto the ending, like about the zepp and john person.
Deluded has to be the most amazing drug next to heroin, it's so scary.
My moms friend Nancy, her daughter is going through the same thing as me and her DR's are trying to say its IBS or anxiety, okay first off if you saw this girl no fucking need for her to have anxiety at all, if she wanted to be, she could be a supper model in a second.
This new real world is going to bite horribly, they are all ugly plain boring people, and wtf could there to be to do in TX get fat and tip cows?
I still keep getting kidney stones, and ovarian cyst he also said that I had some type of free fluid around my ovaries and uterus, and if I had endomytriosis, like my Mom had it, she had to get a hysterectomy, that's why she had to adopt me.ugh,just a pain in the asss this weekend has been, kind of literally.
Man my mom just said she found sam, hes been missing for the past two days, he has a lump on the spine, and under his leg, i really hope its not cancer, i got him when i had my last spinal surgery when i was 8, him and molly were best friends, and shes been passed for 2 years now i think, maybe a year,they loved eachother and they were both my babies, i dont want him to suffer at all, im just going to miss him alot.
I wanted a kitten so bad when i got him and my mom had gone out to get me one, and she came home and said there wernt any kittens to adopt, and than he just poped his little head out of her purse, this sucks, makes all my pain and sickness feel like nothing

[09 Jun 2005|05:26pm]
I had my new drs apointment yesterday, he was really nice he's diffrent.
He had cancer, and it seems he could understand alot of the facotrs that go along with having something youll have to live with for your entire life.
Plus he was funny i almost kicked him in the nuts when he checked me reflexes and he told how when he rides his bike around people throw things at him, ahaha.
I picked marcus up from the airport and than we went to his house for about four hours and hung out, than he brought me home and went to his brothers to help him back for college.
I didn't want to leave him, that feeling is just so nice i wanted to cry when i saw him, we just laid in his bed and made out for a looooong time, he doesn't know how long he is here for the guy that he is working for said hell give him a five days notice to when he has to come back and his ticket will be waiting, he offerd to fly me out there as well.buuuuuuuuut i cant do that, so yeah i need to enjoy the time he has here and have him as my boyfriend, and than when he leaves we go back to being....friends.....how lovely, i just dont want to make him stay commited to me, when he may have a chance to meet someone else out there, no matter how fucking insanely horribly jealouse and mad and crazy and depressed i would go, i want him to be happy, he said hes not going to no matter what, he only wants me, but oh well, i hate the fact he cant spen the entire time hes here with me, but i understand he has to do things for work and stuff while hes here.
I have to get surgery on my arm, it's nothing major and ill be awake while it happens, my doctor wants to remove a scar on my arm, he said he can take it out and stich it and than it wont be as noticeable or whatever, im scared it's going to hurt, oh well.
Me and my mom are going to see MR&MRS Smith, it looks so cute, and my mom loves brad pitt and angilina jolie.im tired, marcus is in bed, and im going to go molest him

[04 Jun 2005|10:02pm]
I don't know, my bestfriend, my boyfriend, my everything has gone back to CA, I wish I could of went back with him, but i can't right now, not with everything that's going on, and he has to work and focus on what he's doing.I told him I wanted to just break up while he's gone so he doesn't feel any types or pressure and he doesn't miss out on anything while he's gone, he told me he loved me, and he doesn't care about anyone else, but i've herd that alot, but i just want him to be happy and he understand, and we both know no matter what our emotions and feelings and how we treat eachother and saying i love you isn't going to change at all.Jay is here we are just hanging out, he bought some photos i need for my project, he just bought some stuff tonight, and it's good and smooth so we are smokin.
verrrry rare for me.

[03 Jun 2005|04:31pm]
[ mood | crushed ]

I'm crying my eyes out, since this morning, i had to get up at 6 to help my mom put my kittens in their cage, and the one just didnt want to go into it and oscar was crying and it was just horrible, they are home now, staggering around i cant stop crying they are like my kids.This is heart breaking, i really think im going to be sick.


next top model <3 trash tv.<33 [02 Jun 2005|07:56pm]
[ mood | curious ]

I had a dream last night about an ex, an actual ex non of these little trivial relationships I've had, it was odd. We were together on my bad talking about how moments were "allison&his name moments" and than we had sex, and were talking about different types of beds, and we were making a sex video, it was so weird, but i was the only one in it when i watched it, I've been having so many odd dreams lately, like flying and fires, death, sex, love, and those dreams you wake up and could swear they were real.
I'll never forget this one dream i had awhile ago when i had my waterbed still, i had a dream that i went into my room turned my light on and the light blew, so when ever i normally have a dream like that, its going to be a haunted type dream, so i laid in my bed in my dream, but i was scared and kept screaming but nothing came out and i dragged my self out of my bed and smacked and hit my body all over and dragged myself to my stairs throwing things down them, and yelling for someone to wake me up, but i couldn't scream outside my dream and when i woke my body hurt so bad i had black and blue marks on my shoulders and legs it was so odd, i have dreams that i have the same effect and feeling in every so often, and whenever a light blows out on my while im awake it send shivers down my spine.
MY BABIES go in to get fixed tomorrow, Oscar and Felix, they have to cause they are crazy but im scared I don't want nothing to happen to them they are little godsends. I love them, even if they are bad and chew my clothing, when did cats start doing that?
Oh well, im sure they'll be fine, babe, my Pitt he's gone crazy!!
I was standing at the kitchen counter, my back facing the kitchen area and back door, and babe just come running up and just jumps on my back and i couldn't hardly breath than i was going to shut the back door while he was still outside he jumped up door flew open and i jammed my pinkie, crazy ass dog who has no idea how fucking strong he is. i went on my moms new job yesterday into philly and it was mad crazy, when they bring in the brinks trucks the pull their guns out and keep their fingers on the triggers and shit and my Mom transports over millions of dollars in checks from casinos and shit. I so happy I got my silk covers back for my bed, yummy.
Im on a diet, a yogurt and carrots diet, I don't mind, its good. I want to get water pills, I think that's what's going on, im clean off every pill I was on, and that's all my life is boring right now, and I kind of like it that way. I'm actually stable with everything and happy.


[28 May 2005|09:23pm]
[ mood | bouncy ]

Last whenever it was, I can't believe I actually wasted any of my time on those people, like the online people I was talking to. All he would talk about are these ugly fat, or boyish girls he phone boned, than had how much he loved God on his profile, you know he totally going to be one of those greasy car sales men who have 20 different kids, is an alcoholic and lives off the store for sure. He said he was going to change AHAHA yeah okay, he'll be a digusting internet low life whore till he dies, i've been happier since ive stoped talking to him, he's so below me.
They are just little kids, 16 years old and an immature 16 I think my mind was off because of everything going on, I mean if they were more mature and not little scummy, nasty dirty kids and smart and had something to offer than ok, but no.
And I don't go for looks, but I don't get why girls like him, well all the girls I've seen were ugly 14 year olds who live in the Internet, but his face looked like the shape of an egg met down syndrome, I think that's why he never took face PICS, and the one he did take it looked like a burnt pancake, ahaha, wow.

I went to see my grandma today in the hospital, she didn't look as bad as i was thinking, i mean she was awake and talking and fine, and she had spine,stomache,lung,throat,blader cancer, it's horrible she looked so different though, i had to really keep back from crying, i asked my Mom if i could move in with her for when she comes home so i can help her and she doesn't have to be home alone all the time.
She was so happy to see me, her face lit up, it made me happy, it was nice in a really sad way, and all these people are caught up in what she has and what they want and it makes me sick, she's a person.


it's getting better everyday. [26 May 2005|05:02pm]
[ mood | amused ]

I've been completely off my methadone pain management for a week now, and I'm so happy but my Mom still wants me to rest and take it slow and such, she say's that it still needs more time to get out of my system, i wont fight there I'm really tired and sleeping often and taking naps a lot, i want to go back to work though, i got some call back from the hospitals to for jobs so we shall see.
Oh and because of that, I guess the medication suppressed my sex drive, and i never noticed really because I've been celibate for the past year and so many months, but when I went off it all of a sudden it just hit me, all i want is sex now, and it's horrible like 24/7 my sex drive is going off the charts and I don't really no what to do about it, i mean myself isn't enough anymore, heh, that's so horrible i guess.

I hate POT,WEED...whatever you want to call it, most of any drugs, yes they are all bad for you blah blah blah, it's so disgusting, anyone I've seen do pot often, have become nothing more than fat dirty pigs who sit around depressed and paranoid and so forth, and are completely blind to everything around them, it's just i don't know, at least if you do coke or heroin you can actually get things done while being on them hah, just kidding eh kinda.
And people try to fight that it's not a bad drugs, it's from the earth, so are a lot of other dangerous killing chemicals and substance why don't you go smoke, eat, snort them too, it's just sad and pathetic, but whatever, they'll be failures get no where with their lives and than wake up one day and be like "what the fuck."

I don't know what to say to my grandma, OH HEY YOU'RE DYING I LOVE YOU,?!
I just rather go see her tomorrow night I think it'd be easier because than you don't have to say anything I can give her a hug sit down hold her hand and watch TV with her.
It will work out, she left me two grand, I don't get why she did, I don't know, I don't deserve it, I didn't spend enough time with her, even though she screwed me over when I was younger, it was a mistake she made.


[25 May 2005|02:42pm]
This kid is starting to scare me, His friend isn't that bad, there has to be something wrong with him for the fact of being his friend, but honestly, he isn't he's just very different, and not close minded in a bad way, he just isn't open to things like I am, but he's not mentally dysfunctional, Dave doesn't know when to stop he called me house lastnight, i had to threaten to call the cops to get him to stop.
He said bother people on his myspace, I wasn't on his myspace until he just added me 4 days ago, by far am i too lazy to look for him through my friends list and I'm sorry all of his friends are mindless idiots.
So right, I don't leave them alone, but these girls just daily go to my myspace and live journal, fuck if i lowered myself to the standards of dating Dave, I'd envy me too on how i can actually have a thought process of my own, my hardest math problem of the day knowing figuring out two socks plus two shoes, or what colors go with what, or wait these girls i don't even worry about this either because they are just dumpy busted face ho's.
But honestly even a girl who had the head of a donkey, and body of a manatee could get someone better than Dave, i swear he offers them money, and food.
He needs to get a life outside of the intetnet, but it;s the only way he can find girls, but even than the fat chick he liked turned him down.
You can just imagine the ones who they were in highschool, the band neds, or art geeks, who had no friends, and like horses or something.
Image hosted by Photobucket.com
Image hosted by Photobucket.com

North Jersey Is filled with toxic fumes and water from the surrounding cities, and is harming its yo [25 May 2005|01:36am]
[ mood | relived ]

I swear North Jersey is the most run down place I've ever herd of, and just the people there, they seem as if they walked right off the bus from the Jerry springier show, I would truly love to do a study on those people, and see what the differences in their lives come out to be, but I shouldn't generalize because the group I'm talking about is a severally obese boy who I think was slightly deprived of oxygen when he was being born, he doesn't have any social skills what so ever, he talks about shitting, pissing, fucking, farting, and eating AND THAT'S ALL, he'll fall in love with a girl in two-second and than stalks her, non stop calls her and debates going to her house.
Than! tells me how he's so depressed and wants to kill himself over these dumb sluts who aren't even good looking, and he calls for so much attention, like if me him and that other person were on the phone he would always have to be the main focus of every conversation, okay so the other kid was interesting and funny, so me and him started to talk by ourselves, he seemed ok i mean when you first start to talk to anyone they seem decent, but than Dave's drama started because I've just had enough with him being so ignorant, vulgar and blatant towards me, he was always insulting him or his friends, this one girl Lara, he'd always say she looked like a man, and call her a pathetic 23 year old virgin,becky,he would say how she should feel lucky he likes because she's fat, and this girl Liz he would go on and on about her, and than Diego he'd call him a lazy recluse spic, and these kids were all supposed to be his friends, so i said please don't talk to me, i didn't freak or anything just asked him not to talk to me, so i go on aim and get swamped with all these offensive disgusting IM's about things i had told him, i mean things that he will clearly go to hell for, and the other kid i talked to just fed into it, id stop talking to him and he'd send me the IMs of what he says, and it was just so immature, but anyway we talked on the phone and got into a conversation about how meeting people on the Internet isn't right, he doesn't think it's right and you can get to know someone on the Internet, What I think is you can meet and learn a lot more about people than you would in any other way if they are honest to you, because you are forced to talk to each other, you most likely tell them things you wouldn't tell most and you can gain someone who can become a good friend if you end up meeting in real life, i mean you can meet a psycho serial killer in the mall for all you know, meet up with them again and they'll kill you, I don't know than last night while talking to him i just realized his life was so small and only focused on work, school, and his blog, he never talked about having many friends, and he was just sort of bland, I'm sure he was a lot like Dave and just didn't act that way on the phone Dave use to tell me that the kid would be on the phone with us taking a shit and just doing mad gross things, And one night I was drunk and I just did something really stupid I sent something, I just shouldn't of done it, but it was a mistake nothing I can do about it now you know?
Anyway, he started freaking about how his girlfriend made a mistake with a date and how he had to change his whole life around, OH MY GOD SO TRAGIC, people are getting in car crashes and dying in the hospital, people are being beaten and abused, and the world is at war with its self, and you miss two days of college, the worlds fucking ending right?
anyway, i was just like oh I'm so sorry and he;s acting like a psychotic off his medications saying she's a dumb fucking bitch and how pathetic it is his sitting there telling a stranger his problems, I've told him mine, doesn't make me pathetic, just means I'm open and he was the only one there to talk to at the time, he's just so ignorant, and i can't even put it into words, what i think it was is that, I was on the phone with him and Dave at the same time, and I mean anyone else could be on the phone with Dave and look like a great interesting person next to him, what I don't get is they both talk so much shit about each other, I don't get how they function, but than again they really don't.
Dave's life is, AIM on his phone, his cell phone, shitting, eating, farting, and acting like he is a gangster but uses racial slurs more than a KKK member, and the restaurant he works at, and his other friends life seems to just be about sleeping, the restaurant he works at, and his classes, and sometimes his girlfriend.
I swear to God, I did school went to nursing school, went to branding school, did my jobs, made my plans for later in life and that shit, but I've lived life so much more, i traveled met new people, went to so many places in the world, and have just done so much, and I'm so fucking young, if all i had to validate for my life so far was a restaurant, school, and sleep, wow I'd feel like giant waste of nothing?
Just everyone from north jersey seems to be very bland boring, lack social skills, close minded and for some, not all but very poor and lower class, and love drama.
And Dave, he makes fun of my looks, he makes fun of my face, but I'm sorry there's really nothing wrong with it, I'm an average looking girl nothing to make me distinctly ugly, and nothing to make me over board ugly, but he ... he isn't the stereotypical embodiment of a good looking person I mean He's overweight, Really overweight, he has to be about 400 pounds, he's face has no features to it at all, he looks like he has a mental problem not to make fun of anyone who does it's just a fact.
Well, this took up some time before cait should be getting here.
I think it's so funny how badly he didn't want me to talk to Diego, He would get drunk and tell me how badly he wanted to be like him, and he was obsessed with him, and than he would tell Diego things about me that were lies, than tell me that Diego was just trying to get into my pants and saying all types of negative things about me, He doesn't think he knows people from the Internet, he didn't know me, so A why would have he tried to get into my pants when he thinks people from the Internet are weird, and than B he said Diego said I was ugly, so therefore why would he try to get into my pants, Dave is just a huge blob of fuck up.
And I've stopped talking to them both, so this huge thing of dysfunction is ended, sad thing is, it's all Dave's fault, he doesn't know when to stop.


[23 May 2005|01:37am]
[ mood | bouncy ]

I really do hate being mean to people, and putting them down, because you defiantly can tell when someone has an over load of cocky, arrogance and self obsessed, that it's all fake, it's faux confidence, they just do it to try to come off as if they feel good about themselves, so people can bring them down, it's really pathetic.
Than they have the goal to try and bring someone else down, I think it's just their age.
I've seen, herd, and said and done it all, and trust me, boys aren't the only ones using people to get some play, if a girl is horny, and doesn't want to have worry about anything she PB's haha, it's fun. It's all a game to me, you make this person get off, or you hear them fake it while you're in your mind thinking of someone else, everyone does it.
I get off on myself, my own voice my own touch my own body, my own thoughts, not the person on the other end of the line, I'm just into have people listen to me when I do stuff, it's hot and it doesn't mean I love the person, expect anything from them, or whatever.
I haven't had sex in a year and some months since I've gone celibate, and I need my own realize, it's just hilarious what cult the Internet has formed in these children who are nothing in the real world and are just searching for a social group to fit into.
I think it's probably just because well not to be mean, I'm not against fat people at all, but he's probably really unhappy because of it, I told "mr.g" haha i do that because i don't want him to get mad at me for talking about him, but anyone, i told g that Bradford, and seriously what kind of name is that? bradford and the fresh prince of bellair?
It seems like he just made it up to sound like he has a homoerotic name, and has money, I've noticed that about a lot of chat names, they all have these names that seem like they watched an episode of the realworld and than referred to themselves as that from than on, but anyway, he said he's over 280 pounds, I'm sorry but that's fucking unhealthy, i mean next to him i'd look like a lady bug, or dime like Mr. g said. He just has to be unhappy about that.

This kid i PBed said he just did it because I was easy, duh i was easy, i was throwing back the drinks, and plus he knew someone who hurt me, and i just did it because of that.
"mr.g" might be who he is, he might throw bunk plays like he does and play girls over, but oh well that's him, i don't care, i know the him that he shows me even if it is a lie, and this kid is just so jealous of him because he doesn't look as good as him, and just get his sloppy seconds, maybe if this kid got a substantial personality, didn't try so hard, and got a better education and didn't jock "mr.g" so much, he could find a girl of his own and could be a almost decent person, Just don't fucking say you used me, I didn't even want to talk to him until he said he knew "Mr.g". And anyway, I thank him for doing what he did because at least I got to talk to "mr.g" one pastime and laugh and it got to be ended on a good note, so yeah, bitch please.
Yeah he has the fact he made me cry, over him?! Ha oh please, the kid who I liked and I now know that I can't have and that I'm fine with because all I want for him is to be happy, and if not having makes him happy, and he other girls to do it, that's fine with me.
Trying to insult with such petty little second grade bullshit, oh now he may get his little blinkchat cult members after, oh God it's so hilarious.

I think I'm going to pick up working again to keep me busy, I feel immature dealing with these people, It's not my age group, even the ones my age are often below me, and not very well educated and are into the most simple of things.
I'm going to drive up to Philly this week and put in my nursing apps, I think now that I have my RN i should do okay, and I'm going to start writing out my plans and blue prints, schedules, and sponsor for my Free Clinics for children with autism who need treatment and housing program, i need to call Dr.Chillinger early Monday, he wants to fax me some of the co op books, and all the different insurance plans out there, and what a lot of the people can and cannot get.
You're probably thinking wtf is she talking about, well awhile ago I had to get a surgery done, and i got very ill from it, and had an opened wound that got infected and it almost killed me the infection went to my heart, i had to get reconstructive surgery, in the hospital for 6 months, changed my life forever, my Mom sued, i didn't want to, she did, i won 5.6 million for one case, than I won another for the negligence and life impact for 23.5 million.
All my friends were like you're so lucky you have to do nothing for the rest of your life so do this do that buy me this, no i got rid of a lot of my friends after that, but anyway, I was in 7th grade and we had to do a report on how animals help us in the world, I did a report on dolphins and how they made many break through for autistic children, ever since than, learning about the children, what their disorder is like, and how so many people just don't want to find that key that can help them, I've had dreams of starting a free residential rehabilitation clinic for children with autism, When I went to nursing school, I got close to someone who was a DR on a psych unit, and he said he'd help support me, and he helped me find tons of sponsors, investors, MD, and special case nurses to go along, so in 4 years we are all suppose meet, talk everything over, get our ideas out on the table and get the bugs of the system worked out, and recruit for our first batch of patients, I was on the MLS the other day looking for a property, i found a highschool sold as is, need work done but is right in-between PA, DEL, NJ, NY it's very close to all them, and near and airport and bus terminal for people coming from out of state, and hopefully even out of the country.
I hate that we have to wait for so long, but that's when this DR is going to be retiring.
I'd really love to be able to branch it out, maybe have one for all neurological disorder or some sort, kind of like the special needs school I use to work at and the camp I use to be a counselor for.
Just when I get caught up in these melodrama situations like these, I always come back to this and just think of how much bullshit their nonsensical little drama is, and it sometimes makes me angry, that people waste their selvs on doing absolutely nothing for this world, and just leach off of their parents, and friends.
Like my Mom has a bar, she borrowed money from me and bought three bars one in Florida, NY and philly, and I swear, I see some drama, but none of it, not even drunks can compare to it, they are smart and have more intelligent opinions than some of these people.


fucking treat me better, i deserve better, i could make you better. [22 May 2005|10:36pm]
[ mood | enthralled ]

You know, I'm nice to anyone, I'm sweet, and I give almost everyone anything they want, well the ones who I did that for and IM distant with, I just I'm putting them back a few notches, if someone wants me, they are going to have to at least try and put some effort into me, and not treat me like I'm just a dickbox.
I'm just going to chill, and whoever comes for me first, and makes me happy is who gets me, it's getting fucking insane, how many people have interest in me, now i need to see which one's just want to play with the box, and who really cares, i don't get it, I'm not attractive, i can be a bitch, yeah, I'm just going to relax and let things go how they should, let them play themselves out, so no one can hold anything against me for being with someone else, and oh yeah if i hear one more guy say "I just don't have a chance with someone like you " okay, some of my ex's are the ugliest of ugliest and the fattest of fatties, but than some of them are fucking gorgeous, and beautiful, like that model from France I dated for 2 and some years, I swear if me and him had kid, holy Christ.


[22 May 2005|08:47am]
[ mood | disguted ]

It makes me sick what people are turning into, all they want is mass numbers of people to devote their feelings to them, to make them happy.
What went wrong with just having one person you feel for and care about, have we all become obsessed with ourselves that one person doesn't mean anything, what about these people who have no one?
What about the times you've had no one.

You tell me how much you hated him, how he did such horrible things to girls with any regards to my feelings if I'd want to hear it or not, than someone comes along and tells me the same thing about you, and it makes my stomach turn because i poured it out, i pray it's not true, even though i know you'll never speak to me again, just for your sake, your life, your God, it's not true.

I really think I need to change back into that person I use to be, the girl who didn't care about anyone, who just used guys to fill her ego with, than abuse them, use them, and leave them. It seems like it's the way to go in the world of survival of the fittest in the world of love.

I really just wanted to find that person who I could make happy, give my heart to and know it would be ok, to depend on for little things, to make me smile before I go to sleep, and to make me happy, Someone who I would listen to every word they say, remember their favorite colors, number, cartoon, band, and than use it all to make them a painting.
Just someone to share good times with, just someone who could just be able to be with me, and satisfied that way, or atleast someone who says sorry for their mistakes, if you make a mistake, I wont forget you forever, you wont be dead to me, just say you're sorry, a sorry can mean so fucking much, a sorry is a key.
I don't want to give up on people, I don't want to be bitter and jaded, that's just like poison being that way, I can't help I have faith in anyone, and everyone.
I just wish more people knew what kind of word sorry was, and I don't know.
Maybe I just need someone my age, people who are my age actually know when they do something wrong, and don't have that fucking teenage drama where they think they are hot shit can't be touched by nothing and know everything till one day they get sideways fucked in the ass by reality.

The sunshine girl is sleeping She falls and dreams alone And me I am her dagger To numb to feel her pain The world is full of noise yeah I hear it all the time And me I am your dagger You know I am your world I thought I heard you whisper It happens all the time I thought Heard you whisper It happens all the time She whispers while I'm sleeping I love you when you smile I didn't really lose you I just lost it for a while The world is full of noise yeah I hear it all the time You know I am your dagger You know I am your wound I thought I heard you whisper It happens all the time I thought I heard you whisper It happens all the time


[21 May 2005|09:57pm]
[ mood | calm ]

No, you know what, I look like a little bitch.
I liked him, I could maybe like him again, but fuck that, if he doesn't want me.
He doesn't talk to me anymore, there's plenty of fiiiiiiine guys who do.
so if he don't come to his fucking sense sometime soon fuck that.
Because he's making me look like an idiot, I only liked him.
Like I could give someone else a chance and than fucking give them everything I have to offer and love them and just yeah chill.
In two days I'm over it, im just going to kick it with someone else, not like i've been holding myself back anyway, aha.


hjjkhjkkjkjkjkljky89kih [21 May 2005|09:32pm]
[ mood | giggly ]

I don't know that whole thing that went down the other day with that kid i liked, i hate situations like that, they go past you so faced and leave you saying wtf do i do, but than again he was so mean to me, the way he talked to me, all short and like he wan an amazing elitest, that really just made me feel like shit, but when he was nice to me he made me really happy, but i think i just wasn't what he wanted because i was too shy, and just i wasn't completely comfortable with him yet because i was just getting to know him, and like after time, God he doesn't even know how i would of ended up being with him i don't know i just have this little shell around me, and when someone breaks through it i don't know I just act so diffrently and im a different person and so chill.
But I don't know if i should just click it off, because i have this thing, when i really just want to forget someone, if they aren't talking to me, i can make myself believe they aren't alive, don't exists never happened, but than id never talk to him again, but than again i don't want to forget him i wanted to get to know him and yeah, but im pretty sure he wants nothing to do with me, and i don't want to IM him and bother him and seem like a mad stalker weirdo because, i don't know, I'm not. i just appreciate that he was around when he was there for me, because it helped me get through something, but clearly i don't think he wants anything to do with me, so what do i do, move on to this other guy who likes me, I don't know ill give it a few more days, and see what happens, and if nothing happens ill just push that button and good-bye to him forever, and that's sad.


I know my rants are a bit insane, and make no sense. [19 May 2005|09:41pm]
[ mood | crazy ]

If you just sit there and think on a sunny day that you may be feeling horrible about life, that in a million year the sun is going to be burnt out, and there is going to be nothing, and nothing that has happened will have mattered.
I just think it makes all these things in life we take for granted look like huge monumental things, and than it makes all the fights, insecurities, obsessions, quarrels, it makes them look so petty and un needed because we are alive we have almost everything we could dream, and we get caught up in these little things, that are just one moment out of millions in our lives, and they don't make up really anything because when the big bam, the big tragedy of your life hits you, and you have to heal after it, you're going to know what it really feels like to debate waking up each and everyday, and you'll look back on those days you may have had a fight with a boyfriend over something stupid, or the day at school you had to read an oral report in front of class and thought you were going to die, or in grade school if your Mom bought you some horrible outfit and you thought it was the end of the world, you'll look back at those times and laugh, and than cry because it wasn't the end of the world, and you lived to see the great tragedy in your life.

God, Sometimes I read these little blurbs I write, they are so scatter brained, and seem pointless and I make fun of myself for it, but deep down if it didn't mean something to me I wouldn't write it, I'm just trying to say that life is the only thing we have and we need to make the best out of the worst, and not make the minuscule things into giant glacier, as if it's going to slowly slide over us and than melt and leave us to drowned, because the truth is for the people who are alive in that time period will die from floods from global warming, and will be able to watch the sun turn off, and than it will truly be the end of their world, and our world was nothing but wars with our own insecurities, and loved ones.
We really need to hold on to what we have now, and take the bad with the good, and live our lives for the ones who don't get to live theirs.


[19 May 2005|06:35pm]
[ mood | lonely ]

I had a dream I was doing an ex, it was so odd.
We were on this beach thing, and Lucy and Ricky were there from I love Lucy, but Lucy was really old, and seemed like she was getting older faster and faster, but Ricky didn't change at all. That i saw my ex and he came down and all a sudden we were just fucking, and he pulled out and hm, well there was that stuff that comes out before cum all over, and i was like ugh is that going to get me preg, haha God it was like i was 15 again having sex for the first time or something, mad lame, but it felt really real. anyway.
Than i had a dream that me and this girl were in some kind of school contest together and there were baby turtles and big ass lizards everywhere and they were biting people and i thought one was going to bite my ass because i fell down, it reminds me of when i had reggae my iguana and had to take him to the vet cause he burnt himself by sleeping on his top light to his cage, and all a sudden he's start hissing, and we made a turn and he filled off the back seat, but he was OK, and whenever i had to take him out of his cage it so looked like a i tried to bump myself off because his tail would lash me and his nails were really sharp when we didn't cut them, and my Mom would tell me im going to get a sickness and die, than i had a dream he bit my thumb, and ugh so gross.

My moms being so bitchy to me lately, because I'm not putting up with her shit, the other night she came upstairs and i was still drunk so she's like there's an amount of vodka open and the Irish cream, butter shots, goldslagger, and jeiger were all out of the fridge were you drinking, i told her yes, and it was OKAY as long as i gave her 20 dollars, than lastnight i was talking to a friend of a friends on the phone and he's mad funny and smart, and i was enjoying myself because you only find someone to speak to on the phone that has a good amount of intelligence every so often, so i was on the phone till 9am, and she comes up to me a little while ago "you shouldn't laugh and have fun on the phone, i mean you're loud, no im not, im not loud at all, im so bleh, and she was like it's not that i don't want you to enjoy yourself" oh wait, is that because i busted on her about how she wasnt going to let me use her phone but was taking 10 dollars off of me again, like i really shouldn't care but i bust my ass to make that money, and any time i ask her for something it's "oh you don't need that" okay, maybe i want it? whenever she goes to talk to me, i simply tell her i don't like her and for her to please stop speaking to me, we use to be so close but it just all changed.

I don't know it's so odd, sometimes in my life i'll only have one person i talk to than all a sudden i'll be bum barded by 40349459034 million people who want to talk on the phone and go and chill.
I think these two people like me someone i've been decent friends with fir a little bit, and than this other kid, i don't know.i don't know.

And you know that I never asked for love only a friend an what I got was some kind of twisted figure of myself again an I know that they say you should see yourself in your lover's eyes But I can see my soul baby And it makes me want to die So now is not the time To ask me to play 'Cause I can't seem to hold on To any given day


[19 May 2005|08:58am]
[ mood | hopeful ]

I throw game like no ones business, I totally thought up this entire plan for something, and it worked and yeah II so smooth hah. Oh geez, sometimes things just work out so well and it makes me so happy and so forth.

That shit happened with that kid, i don't know i was mad dramatic about it too, but the way he talked to me was mad shitty, he tried to use that "im so much better than you elitist chartroom scienter fuck talk kthx" and it made my stomach turn because I'd just eh i don't know, i didn't even do anything THAT wrong, i don't know, i just if you care about someone, one little thing isn't going to sway what you think of them, and he didn't have to be harsh,short,and ignorant with me, I was in a bad mood because earlier when i had hung up. i went down stairs and my dad started on me, and started calling a slut and whore and all these things, and i told him to go fuck himself and he threw this thing at me, so i was generally just feeling like shit and thinking about my ex's and feeling like a whore for what i was doing on the phone because i felt like it was so totally one sided, but you know what i fucked up i can blame myself for that i can't beat myself up over it, just know what i did was fucked up and be sorry about it, i cried, i cried so hard because of it, and yeah i got what i deserved for it, but it doesn't make me a horrible person or any reason for him to act like an elitist scenester slut, he's immature if he is actually serious by acting that way yes using that type of English as a joke, is fine, but if you're truly trying to pass the off as sarcasm, wow sweetie you need to see alot more in life. I don't know i just thought he was some one completely different now i see how the way he acted and i see that it was most likely just something that wasn't supposed to happen and just not on my level or my type at all, i don't know anyway all his music was religious hipster scenester trash that is just all carbon copied after the same style, "lyke so hard-core brah!" whatever, he was a cool kid and im glade i had him around when i was sick for those few days cause i really did have fun talking to him and all, and im sure i could of grown to care about him a lot more, but whatever he doesn't want to talk to me, and there's nothing i can do about it, I'm not going anywhere for now.
He asked me if i hated Texas because of him, i love when people give them so much credit and are so shallow and self centered to think something is about them, yes it's weird because that fucking un needed drama went down today, but ive delt and have been involved with people from Texas a lot, ones that have moved there from here, ones they moved here from there, Internet and have came here, Internet and never met, and i met these three guys at helmets two years ago, and they all fell for me, and i fell for them all, and it just seems like anything i try with anyone from there it just seriously implodes on me majority.
I guess that's what i get, im just scared when i like people, im so insecure and parts of me think i don't deserve anything, but other parts of me know i deserve a lot because when im in my good times i fucking treat people amazing, even if they treat me like shit, ill suck it up and than deal with it when im not around them.

I just really want someone so badly and I have all these choices of people I know I can hav but it just seems like something's wrong with each and everyone always, I wish I could take things that I like from each person ive ever dated and make the perfect boy, and there's one who was perfect, but yeah that was fucked.

If people expect someone to be perfect they are going to be let down a lot in life, but maybe it's an age thing, I'm just over it he didn't want to forgive me and work shit out, so if he still wants to talk he can im me or whatever, but im not going to put myself out there, not this time.

There is this kid i know who really likes me, he treats me like a fucking queen he does everything he can for me and worships the ground i walk on, one day i woke up and i text his phone about how no wash was done and i needed a towel to get a shower and the next thing i knew he was at my front door with a big fluffy beach towel for me to use, it's just things like that are so sweet, one time he kissed some girl while me and him were talking about being together and i mean we were pretty serious and it ripped my heart out, and he wrote me a five page long letter just pouring his heart out to me telling me it was the biggest mistake he's ever made and just how much he cares about me, but i don't think i can trust him again, and if you read this im so so so sorry, you know id never hurt you, but i just think about you telling me you loved me, than next thing i know there's a picture of you kissing some dirty ghetto bitch on your phone.

I just want someone to be devoted to me, i want someone to save me from my own insecurities, but all these guys they want to boost my self esteem but fucking me, and that's it, or they get mad obsessed but cheat on me because just attention from me isn't enough.

I want to find the person i have true love with, he's fucking somewhere, I'll move there, it could be a little igloo in the Antarctica or a little shack in Mexico or an underground cave in Afghanistan, I'd do it for love.


[18 May 2005|08:41pm]
[ mood | embarrassed ]

injury injury (8:23:53 PM): SHE DOESNT WANT YOU, god im so sick of people being so stupid so stuck on themselvs and then the ones who have any kind of fucking heart are made to look like the biggest fucking downsyndrome children, they just keep saying i love you i love you, when the other person is fucking jerking it because they have so much power over you.

Why the fuck would he give me his screen name, why? He thought it would hurt me, or maybe to remind me of how stupid I was before, or mad because he thought he couldn't make me feel the way he did, but oh he did I mean I'm not going to sweat over it, I'm not going to freak, another one down a 100 more to go right? I can't be upset about it, you can't change someone's feelings for you if it's for the good, once their feelings change for you to the bad, there's no going back.
and he falls quick, and he's just the scenester sluts type too. So he'll have another girl in time.
I don't get people, they don't understanding what caring is, or maybe this is just a for fun thing, and they do it to pass their time, or because they don't have a real life, so they have to make this fake world up online of people who they don't know and make little social scenes, I'm too smart for it, but my hearts too fucking weak.

Now Dave's freaking out on me because I freaked on that fucking fattymcfatterson.
She let him go to her prom, thus making him think he had a chance with her, and he doesn't and she's bitching about him to me right, and than making fun of him, and I've herd things about her, how much he cares about her, and how much she makes him happy, and she fucking has no right to do that, she's lucky she's even getting any attention from a guy, and than he's mad at me right? for me sticking up for him because in his mind he actually thinks he is going to be with her WHEN WE LIKE SOMEONE AND THEY DON'T LIKE US, WHY DO WE ACT LIKE CHILDREN WITH DOWN SYNDROME WHO JUST LOVE NO MATTER WHAT THEY COULD PISS ON OUR HEART AND WED FUCKING JUST BE LIKE "IT'S OKAY BABY I LOVE YOU" WE JUST TAKE PEOPLE BACK WHO FUCKING RUIN US, RUIN US FOR OTHER PEOPLE RUINS US FOR OURSELVES.
You have your people who do not think of others emotions or feelings or anything they just like to play games, they like the attention of someone completely devoting their everything while they are doing the same thing to so many other people, and than the idiots, like myself we love it we care so much about people and than we fucking hurt for a long ass time because of it, and well hold on to it no matter what and you'd go back to the person in the snap of a finger, even if their name makes you want to throw up, and you hate them more than anything in this world, it doesn't matter we thrive on being used and hurt and think we just need the thing we don't have and it's such a fucking sick sick game


[ viewing | most recent entries ]
[ go | earlier ]